


Night To Remember

by tini_dancer



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Brotherly Love, I miss neil perry sm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Post-Canon, Unrequited Love, implied neil and todd, jeff is a good brother, mr. nolan can go f himself, sadly not a fix-it, todd is fed up, todd never got to tell neil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:14:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24053467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tini_dancer/pseuds/tini_dancer
Summary: Jeffrey Anderson returns to Welton in the spring of 1960 to attend his alma mater's 100th anniversary party. This little trip back to the school leads to some major life moments for Jeff, including reuniting with an old friend, hearing two sides of one of sad story, and discovering the truth of his little brother, Todd, who has a lot more depth to him than he ever thought.
Relationships: Jeffrey Anderson & Todd Anderson, Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 3
Kudos: 59





	Night To Remember

**Author's Note:**

> -Post-Canon. Sadly not a fix-it  
> -Mostly follows Jeff in his return home  
> -TW/ mentions suicide a lot

At first, Jeffrey did not know what to think of the letter. He wasn’t expecting it, for one, but he felt honored to be invited to the 100th Anniversary party for his alma mater. He remembered his time at Welton fondly, having received the highest academic experience available on the East Coast, and most likely the country as well. He loved all of his teachers and he had massive respect for the headmaster, Mr. Gale Nolan. They got along very well, especially once it had become clear that Jeff was going to be valedictorian of the class of 1957. They met every few weeks to discuss his future plans and, sometimes, his personal life.

Jeff did not particularly like to discuss his personal life with his authorities, but Mr. Nolan was kind to him, so he did. He said how his parents were insanely proud of him, not expecting this much success from the school and their son to do so well. They had heard it was challenging, but they wanted to give it a chance. That is why they had Jeff apply before his 7th grade year, and low and behold he got in. Jeff told Mr. Nolan how grateful he and his family were for the opportunities given to him during his six years at Welton, how the time truly changed his life. Because of his time at Welton, he was given a full scholarship to Yale and was in his third year of their Pre-Law program. As he sent back the RSVP, Jeff thought about how he could not wait to tell Mr. Nolan and his past teachers about what he had accomplished past Welton Academy.

One thing he never really talked about with the headmaster was his younger brother. No, he wasn’t a delinquent or an embarrassment to the Anderson family, but he could never actually get into Welton. After three years at the school, their parents encouraged Todd to follow in his brother’s footsteps and apply, but he did not qualify. His grades in elementary school were not good enough. So Todd stayed in public school for a little longer, but as Jeff shimmered academically and Todd remained the same, they sent the younger to Balincrest Academy, a school meant to help the academically challenged. Jeff thought it was a little insensitive to send Todd there, because his grades were not horrible. But Jeff was happy to hear the summer before his junior year at Yale that Todd had finally qualified for Welton for his senior year. Sure, he wasn’t going to get the same experience that Jeff did, but he assured his little brother that it was an amazing school. If it all worked out, Todd would be at Yale alongside him that next year, another lawyer ready to join the family.

He didn’t think much about his brother at the beginning of that next year, with his course work directly tying in with his major piling up. He studied every night for hours, no roommate anymore to drag him to bed to make him sleep. But he was passing with flying colors so he kept up with it, even if he could end up extremely exhausted. A fine price to pay if it meant him becoming a successful lawyer. He was never behind and understood everything that came from every class. That was all that mattered.

And still, there he was, sitting on a small plane on his way back to Vermont, missing a day of classes so he could go back to the past. He just hoped it would be worth it, in the end. 

++++

Welton Academy had not changed in the nearly three years since he had attended it. The only thing that was different that Friday was the men, some very old and some around his age, entering the building in normal suits and ties, not Welton uniforms. The only other time one would see this sight was most likely the 50th Anniversary of the school, way before he was born. It was a sight to see that gave Jeff a strange warm feeling. There was no doubt that that night was going to be one to remember.

“Oh my God,” he heard a voice call from behind. Jeff turned and smiled.

“Ben Freeman,” he said as the man in question, Ben jogged up to him.

“Jeffrey Anderson,” Ben shook his hand, and they began to walk in, “I was hoping to see you here.”

Jeff smiled, “Well, if I’m honest, I was not expecting to run into any old classmates, let alone my roommate, while visiting.”

Ben shook his head, “My, my, do you really want to leave all the things of Hellton behind?”

Hellton? Sure, he had heard others refer to the school as that before, but the ones who said those things were the ones who didn’t end up at Ivy League schools. Ben, on the other hand, had gone off to Brown to study mathematics. He was fifth in their graduating class and an honors student, just like himself. 

“What do you mean by that?” Jeff asked.

“I mean, come on, this place wasn’t as grand as we made it be when we were here.”

“You know I loved it here,” Jeff said, “I have a lot of respect for this place. Don’t you?”

“I  _ respect  _ it, yes. It helped me get to Brown, which is a place I do really like. But now that I think about it, I really didn’t love my time here. I loved the friends I made, sure, but not much else. You don’t feel like that?”

“No, and I’m surprised you do,” Jeff opened the door and let his old friend inside first, then lowered his voice, “If you hated it here, why did you come?”

Ben shrugged, “Guess I’m feeling a little nostalgic.”

The inside hadn’t changed, either. The same trophy cases, the same tapestries with the four pillars, even the smell of the hall was the same. It reeked of teenage boys, like always. Things really don’t change over even a few years, which is both a lot of time and not any at all. Him and his old roommate followed the crowd into the dinning hall.

The normal wooden tables and benches that Jeff had known were moved out of sight, leaving the area open wide for the hundreds of people, current students and alumni alike, standing around socializing. There were tables set up that had drinks and some snacks, like it was some kind of public school prom. But no one was dancing, in fact there was no music. The only sounds were of old friends catching up, former students speaking with their old teachers, and current students either working or socializing. He signed in with a student who was a part of the alumni club and went in, Ben following not too far behind.

“I don’t know how,” Ben said, “but with all of the tables gone, this room feels smaller than I remember.”

“I guess it’s because we’re older,” Jeff replied, looking around, “because we’ve grown beyond these walls. It just doesn’t feel normal.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

They grabbed a few drinks, it seemed to be some sort of fruit tea, and found an area against the wall to talk.

“So,” Ben took a sip of his drink, “have you found any girl at Yale?”

Jeff nodded, “Yeah. Me and this girl have been together for a few months now. We started dating back in October.”

“That’s sweet,” his old friend replied, “I’m actually engaged.”

“You are?” Jeff choked a little on his drink, not expecting to hear such news, “You haven’t even finished school yet.”

Ben nodded, “We’re getting married over the summer. I’m still going to go to school, I’m just going to be married. It is not the most uncommon thing in the world.”

“But you, I mean we, are so young.”

“Love is love, right?” Ben smiled, “She is the most amazing girl I have ever met. Besides, she’s also studying math, so we might start our own accounting firm someday.”

Jeff nodded along, “Yeah, Janie is also in pre-law, so that helps her and I’s relationship a lot.”

They stood and chatted for a bit. Another one of their old classmates came by and said hello, but Jeff did not have much memory of him. After the unremembered classmate went off to talk to someone else, Jeff realized he did not remember most of his old classmates, other than Ben and his other friend Will, who did not go to the party. Will was at Harvard double majoring in law and business, so he probably could not fit a small reunion into that kind of schedule. 

“I wonder how the underclassmen are doing now,” Ben said as he returned from getting another glass of tea, “You know, the ones who were fourteen or fifteen when we were here? They are juniors and seniors now.”

Jeff shrugged, “I never knew any of the underclassmen here. You know, with the dormitory halls being separated and with very different classes.”

“Not too different,” Ben reminded him, “We all took Latin and we shared different extracurriculars. Surely you had soccer or the school annual or honors council with some of them.”

It was interesting to think about. The age range at Welton went from 12-18, covering all of junior high and high school. Of course he did not know any of the young students, but thinking back, he did know a good amount of the kids a year or two underneath him. No names came up, but the memories did. Editing the annual for his senior year, blowing past the younger boys at soccer, etc. But Jeff was almost embarrassed by how much he could not pinpoint certain people. 

“Forget about that,” Jeff shook it off, “Why did you bring it up?”

“I guess because I miss some of my old younger friends,” Ben shrugged, “When we were seniors, I was friends with a freshman. Unless something happened, that means he’s still here. It’s weird to think about. He is now where we were. I just...wonder how he has changed. How all of those kids have changed.”

Before getting to say anything, a familiar face made his way towards them. Jeff smiled brightly and held out his hand in greeting, “Mr. Nolan, hello!”

“Hello Mr. Anderson,” the headmaster grinned, “Mr. Freeman,” each boy shook hands with their old leader.

“Hi Mr. Nolan,” Ben replied, “how are you?”

“The same, I presume,” he laughed a little, “why, do I look older?”

The three of them shared a laugh, and Jeff replied, “Not in the slightest, Mr. Nolan. Seeing your face actually made me feel younger.”

“Oh, you are too kind. Tell me, Jeffrey, how is your schooling at Yale? Some of the finest lawyers come from their program.”

Jeff nodded, “It is great. I love it in Connecticut and every class I’ve taken has challenged me in the best ways. We actually get to start real mock trials soon.”

“I remember Will being so excited for that part of college,” Ben piped up, “it’s like he enjoyed the pretend aspect of it.”

Mr. Nolan shook his head with a light smile, “William Dent always had an aspiration for doing everything as soon as he could. Something I have always found admirable. You have to have that kind of mentality to survive in such high stakes programs.”

“I know,” Jeff agreed, “I have learned to be extra prepared during my time at Yale.”

“Same with me at Brown.”

“How is Brown?” Mr. Nolan asked Ben, “Surprisingly, not a lot of students choose that particular Ivy League university to attend.”

Ben actually blushed a little while thinking about it, “I absolutely love it. The mathematics department is stellar, the atmosphere is great, and I met the love of my life there.”

“Ah, but do remember, stability and success before love,” Mr. Nolan winked at him, “you want to make sure that you can support yourself and your lady before you make any commitments.”

“Yes, of course,” he replied hesitantly. Jeff frowned. He knew that Ben was going down a different path, one that he knew was against the ideas of Welton. But seeing Ben’s face caused his stomach to churn, like he could feel how disappointed his old friend felt. He felt sorry for him.

Jeff decided to change the subject, “It is nice to see students here.”

“Only the high school level students were allowed to attend,” Mr. Nolan explained, “we didn’t want the younger boys up too late. The older ones are more responsible. Even still, this wasn’t mandatory. Boys could choose not to attend if they prefered to stay in and study, unless they are a part of the alumni council.”

Ben then spoke, “We were taught how important our academics are here. I commend those who chose to study.”

“I do as well, Mr. Freeman.”

Jeff to the moment to look around. One thing hadn’t occurred to him until that moment. His eyes scanned the room a little, fixated at faces and hair, most of which he did not recognize. He was brought back to the conversation when Ben nudged him.

“You alright, Jeff?” He asked.

“Yeah,” he nodded in reply, “I just, I don’t see my brother in here.”

Ben blinked a few times in shock, “Brother? I-”

Mr. Nolan interrupted him, “I am sure your brother is doing what we just talked about, studying. He has done a great job keeping up with his classes this year. He is sure to get some honors at graduation.”

“That is great to hear,” Jeff smiled, “I know he was a little nervous coming in. This is very different from Balincrest.”

“Well, he has encountered a few...bumps along the way,” Mr. Nolan cleared his throat, “but I am sure you already know.”

He didn’t know anything. Over winter break, him and Todd barely talked. He knew that their parents were upset with him about something, but he never knew what. Dinners were always quiet, with Todd always being the first to excuse himself for the night. The biggest thing he encountered was coming home from a visit to the grocery store to hear the rest of his family arguing. He walked into the study to see his mother and father on one side of the room and Todd on the other, tears streaming down his cheeks and his face blood red. The ordeal stopped when they saw Jeff, and Todd again excused himself to his room. 

“I actually am unclear,” Jeff admitted to Mr. Nolan, “we did not talk much over the holiday.”

Mr. Nolan sighed and began to explain, “In early December, we had an accident. One of our seniors tragically passed away. That student was your brother’s roommate.”

“Oh,” it came out small.

“After that, your brother acted out a few times. He was grieving, it was understandable. He did cause a bit of a scene in a class, and he was punished for it. But we came to the conclusion that his outbursts came from his deep sorrow for his lost friend.”

“I…” He had no words. Jeff never knew if Todd had any friends at all in school, no matter where he was. But hearing this, that someone Todd considered close to him died, gave his brother some depth. He never knew his brother to have depth. But he had sorrow and sadness. Those feelings probably prompted whatever argument went down between him and their parents. It was a lot to process.

Ben spoke in the silence, “I’m sorry you guys lost a student, Mr. Nolan. I’m sure he was a great representation of the best of Welton.”

“Indeed he was,” Mr. Nolan nodded, “you two take care. And don’t be afraid to write down the road.” With that, he walked away and met with another group of alumni not too far away.

Ben looked at Jeff, who was leaning against the wall, staring off into space. He placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. To try and lighten the mood, he said, “I, uh, I didn’t know you even had a brother.”

Jeff bit his lip, “Yeah, this is his only year here. He went to another prep school for a bit, and public school before that. I guess he never came up in conversation.”

“He seems like a good guy, according to Nolan. A little off balance, but a good kid nonetheless.”

“He doesn’t talk,” Jeff said, “Todd is the least social person I have ever known. He would never talk about friends or school or anything. He’s a nervous wreck with barely any voice and the fact that I’m hearing he not only displayed grief but also insubordination floors me. I heard him arguing with our parents over break, but whatever it was wasn’t brought up again when I showed up. He and I have never been close, for a lot of reasons, but I guess there’s more to him than I ever knew.”

Ben nodded along, looking right at his friend as he listened. He tapped his foot a little as he thought. 

“Do you want to go find him?”

Jeff furrowed his eyebrows, “Hm?”

“I mean, it seems like you guys could use a good conversation,” Ben shrugged, “I mean, you’re admitting to these things that you didn’t know about him, and I bet he has a bit of a wrong idea of you. A better understanding would probably do you both some good, and tonight wouldn’t be a bad night.”

He shook his head, “Ben, no. I came here to connect with my old teachers and friends, catch up. Not to try and fix my relationship with my brother. I didn’t expect to see him tonight, anyways. Even if he did attend the party.”

Ben sighed, reluctantly nodding, “Yeah, alright. You have a point,” he finished off his drink and went to throw it away. When he returned, he told Jeff that he had to use the restroom. Jeff nodded and watched his old roommate walk off, then looking down to the ground with a somber feeling.

But Ben didn’t go to the restroom.

After almost three years, he still knew the halls of Welton like they were in his own house. He jogged down to the end of the hall, where the staircase was. He walked up to the top, where the senior dormitory was. In that hall were the bedrooms lined up, along with Dr. Hager’s, and at the end was the study room. If Jeff’s brother was studying, he would most likely be in there. So he passed by the bedrooms to reach his destination, stopping for a minute to look at the door of his old senior room. The names on the door read Stephen Meeks and Gerard Pitts. Two strange names, Ben thought to himself. He then went to the study room, only pausing to take a quick, deep breath, before opening the door.

The first thing Ben noticed was the cigarette smell. He quickly closed the door behind him so it wouldn’t get out. It took him a moment to see the four pairs of eyes staring back at him. At the sitting area were four boys, two on the couch, one in the big comfy chair, and another in a chair taken from the table. Each of them had a cigarette in their hand. They sure weren’t studying, like Nolan suggested any student not attending the party was doing. It looked as if they were only talking. Talking and smoking. 

“I, uh…” Ben did not expect himself to be speechless.

One of the boys, a little shorter with curly red hair and glasses, smiled and said, “I assume you came from the party. Wanted to see how your old home was holding up.”

“Yeah, a little,” he replied, “I thought more people would be in here.”

A tall stocky boy spoke next, “They’re all downstairs. Nolan practically begged for every senior to go, but we weren’t in the mood.”

Ben nodded, “Yeah, it’s pretty insane down there. But he did say how he expected every student not attending the party to be studying.”

“We finished up quickly,” said a third boy, with soft brunette hair, gesturing to the textbooks sitting on the table, “now we’re just letting loose.”

“Something we aren’t allowed to do much,” said the second boy again.

The fourth boy, who hadn’t talked yet, tossed his finished cigarette butt into the ashtray sitting on the arm of the couch. He immediately pulled out a box from his pocket and took out another one, lighting it and letting out a puff of smoke.

“Yeah, I get it. I went through it, too,” Ben cleared his throat, “I, uh, actually came to see if a certain someone was up here.”

“Who?” Asked the red haired boy, “we could probably tell you.”

“Do you guys remember Jeffrey Anderson, valedictorian, class of ‘57? I’m looking for his brother.”

It went silent, the boys’ eyes either wandering around the room or settling to the ground. Ben slumped a little. Was that a touchy subject? Was this unknown brother unliked because of his apparent emotional outbursts? It was difficult to read the room.

Then, the boy in the desk chair, with blond bangs and an average build, stood up and took another hit of his cigarette. He turned to Ben and asked, “What does he want?”

“I-uh, I’m kind of doing this behind his back,” Ben admitted, “he really didn’t want to see his brother, but some things he said made me think it would be good for him so… I came to find him.”

“Wait,” the brunette boy in the comfy chair leaned forward and asked, “Todd, is your brother here?”

Well, it looked like Ben had found him.

Todd turned to his friends, “I assumed he’d come to this. I wasn’t planning on meeting up with him or anything. I just wanted to spend some quiet time with you guys.”

“Did something happen between you guys over break?”

“I thought you said he didn’t know about what happened last semester.”   
  


Ben then asked, “What did happen last semester? Nolan said some things, but my gut tells me there’s more to it.”

Todd nodded, “Did he say how my roommate died?”

“Yeah. And that it affected you and that you had some emotional outbursts, one particular one in class one day. That you got punished but they don’t blame you for much.”

The stocky one let out a laugh, “Bullshit!”

“I guarantee Nolan has told the sob story ten times already,” said the one in the big chair, “about how they tragically lost a great student and how they honor him. Trust me, man, none of that shit conveys the truth.”

“Knox, relax for a second,” the redhead spoke, “There’s a lot more to the story than Nolan is letting on, is what he’s trying to say.”

“Am I wrong, though, Meeks?”

Meeks turned to his friend on the couch, “Is he wrong, Pittsie?”

The friend shook his head.

Todd continued the story, looking at the floor, “Neil wanted to become an actor. Professionally. It was what he loved to do. But his father didn’t want him to do it, so he didn’t at first. Our English teacher was...different from any other. He taught us how to use our own brains and voices, and to seize the day and make it our own. This inspired Neil to actually try acting, even if it was behind his father’s back. He got the main part in A Midsummer Night's Dream down at Henley Hall. And he was fantastic in it. The best actor by far in that show. But his dad found out and would not let him out of his own set plan for his son, to go to Harvard and become a doctor. Neil had any freedom he had stripped away from him, leaving him an empty shell. So, he took hold of the one thing he could have control over. His parents found him with a bullet hole in his head that night.”

Ben closed his eyes and let all of that sink in, “So you’re saying Neil… he…”

“Committed suicide,” Meeks continued for him, “yeah.”

“Neil’s dad blamed our English teacher for it, since he inspired Neil to make his own choices and have his own dreams,” Knox said, “we were forced to sign a paper saying we agreed and he was fired. Our other friend didn’t stand for it and got expelled. And Todd stood against the decision by standing up on his desk when Mr. Keating came to get his things, defying Nolan directly, who was filling in for the rest of the month.”

“I have detention every Friday for the rest of the year,” Todd explained, “with 20 smacks on the first Friday of each month. I would have been expelled, but Nolan didn’t think expelling a valedictorian’s brother would be a good image on the school. So I settle with quiet and pain.”

“Jesus,” Ben said exasperated, “I am so sorry for you guys. Really, I am. I wish I understood more, but all I can give is my condolences,” he turned to Todd, “Jeff said that you are a pretty quiet person. This doesn’t seem like you in his words.”

Todd smirked a little, “Thank Mr. Keating for that. Because of him, I found my voice. I got out of Jeff’s fucking shadow and I figured out what I want to do in life. And I got my inspiration taken away from me, so I used my voice. It was scary, but I don’t regret it.”

As if the timing couldn’t be more perfect, the door opened and came in Jeff, whose eyes were directly on Ben.

“I told you I didn’t want to talk to him,” Jeff smacked his arm, “you lying to me to find him for me isn’t going to do you any good, Ben.”

“But I-”

“I don’t know what you think would be good about it, but it isn’t happening. End of story. Let’s go back downstairs and talk to some old teachers. I’ve been meaning to see Mr. McAllister.”

Ben pointed to Todd and said, “I found him.”

Jeff turned to his brother and froze. He was not expecting to see his brother the way he was presented. He had seen him in his Welton blazer, back when he got it before the school year started. He had seen him in his Balincrest uniform. But this was different. Todd was wearing a dark blue sweater with a white t-shirt underneath it, with blue pyjama bottoms and black socks. The most surprising thing was the cigarette in his hand, lit up and a little shorter than an unsmoked one.

“Todd…” Jeff said quietly, “I, uh, I…”

Todd sighed and walked over to the ashtray, putting out the cigarette, “Let’s go to my room.”

And they did. The room was simple, as all Welton rooms were. Jeff noticed the desk set his parents had gifted his little brother for his 17th birthday neatly placed on the desk, with some textbooks stacked. On top of the books was the English poetry textbook. They sat together on Todd’s bed.

Todd began, “I, uh, moved to this room at the beginning of this semester. With me and my current roommate being left alone, they moved me in here with him. I can’t stand him, but there’s only a few months left and I’ll never have to see him again.”

“Mr. Nolan did mention that your roommate sadly passed,” Jeff said, “I’m really sorry about that. I kind of caught on that you two were close.”

“Yeah,” he nodded, “he was my best friend. He helped me with my confidence a lot. Made me laugh and smile. I would help him with his lines for A Midsummer Night’s Dream and seeing how happy that made him made me really happy.”

“He acted?”

“Tried to,” Todd clarified gloomily, “he only had one show.”

“Did he die the night of the show?”

“Parents found him around one in the morning. With a gun not far from his hand.”

Holy shit.

Of all the things Jeff thought could be the reason for this kid’s death, suicide was not one of them. He never knew anyone who was unhappy at Welton. People did not particularly enjoy being there, but they weren’t sad and miserable. But it seemed like Todd’s roommate wasn’t any of those things, either. Yet he shot himself. It seemed like an overreaction to Jeff. But Todd went on quietly.

“Our teacher got blamed for it. My current roommate ratted out the rest of us about some… other things that were going on that involved Neil, and he got fired. Now I don’t have the two people that really made my life extraordinary because of this school’s stupid values.”

“Hey,” Jeff refuted, “Welton does not have any views like that. They want students to be the best they can be and succeed at life. You know that. I know that.”

“No,” Todd inhaled deeply, “they only want that if you want to become a doctor or a lawyer or an engineer or something admirable. Not acting, like what Neil wanted. They thought it was stupid, like his dad did. That’s why his dad got what he wanted. Because they agreed. But Neil cherished acting. I saw it with my own eyes. They don’t have the students’ best interests at heart. They have their own ideas that they try to brainwash us with. It’s stupid.”

It started to click for Jeff. He thought back to how Ben reacted to Nolan’s words about love. He thought about how the boys were smoking and talking, not doing what Nolan wanted them to do, because they had no one watching over them. He thought about Todd’s outbursts and the fight with his parents. Maybe he was just wanting to have his own say in his life. Maybe Welton really wasn’t as great as he remembered. He wiped away a quick tear.

“That one day over winter break,” Jeff asked, “when you and mom and dad were arguing, what was that about?”

Todd scoffed a little, “What  _ wasn’t  _ that about? We argued basically the whole time you were gone. They took the chance to yell at me about me standing on my desk in English, defying Nolan. How stupid that was and how I was going to throw away my life for a political statement. I knew Neil never had the guts to stand up to his parents, so I did it for him by standing up to ours. I defended Neil and Mr. Keating. I told them what both of them meant to me, and they didn’t get it. Dad called me a faggot for caring so much about Neil. And you know what? I did like him like that. Neil changed my life in every possible positive way, of course I fell for him. I didn’t tell them that, though. But the subject soon moved to college and I finally told them that I didn’t want to go to Yale and that I didn’t want to become a lawyer. I told them I wasn’t  _ you _ . I told them I applied to the Pratt Institute in Brooklyn, New York and that I was going to study literature and become a writer. Because  _ that  _ is what  _ I  _ want. And they screamed at me for throwing away my future, and that they weren’t going to pay if I didn’t go to Yale. So the next day I sent in my application for a scholarship. And you know what, Jeff? I got that damn scholarship. All four years covered because of my GPA and the fact that I attend the most highly regarded prep schools in the country. So they won’t have to pay for it, and neither will I. And I can’t wait to shove in right in their faces when I see them at graduation.”

Jeff didn’t notice that he was crying. He tasted salt on his lips and touched his cheeks, realizing that they were wet. That was the longest he had ever heard Todd speak in all of his life. The words took a while to set into his skin, and along with it the guilt. He knew their parents had similar hopes for Todd as they did for himself, but he never considered it that bad. Another rock hit him when he realized his brother just came out to him. As not straight. As liking a boy romantically. And that boy shot himself to have control over his own life. What Todd did, standing on that desk in front of Nolan and arguing with his parents, was his bullet to the head. It was his way of claiming his life as his own. Not as drastic, not as harmful, not as sad. But this Todd that Jeff that never met before was someone with a lot of scars. It was someone that he admired, almost.

So Jeff leaned in and wrapped his younger brother into a hug.

“I am so fucking sorry,” Jeff sobbed, “I am so sorry that you were always compared to me. I am sorry that the boy you fell in love with killed himself. I’m sorry that mom and dad put this standard on you that wasn’t you. I’m sorry that you had to go through so many things to find yourself. But I am so happy that you did. I like this part of you. Please, never let it go.”

And Todd hugged back.

They sat like that for a while, just feeling each other’s warmth and company. Jeff cried more than Todd did, but it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that they had trust between each other now. There was understanding and truth. And Jeff thought to himself how he could not wait to see his brother succeed as a writer. His gut told him that Todd Anderson was going to be someone great. Todd Anderson was already someone great. 

“So,” Jeff said when they separated, “You said your current roommate ratted you and your friends out about something, and that Neil was involved. What was that?”

Todd smiled brightly at the thought, “The Dead Poets Society. We’d sneak out at night to the Indian cave far into the woods. We would read poems and tell stories and let loose. We were truly able to be ourselves there. After Neil died, Cameron told Nolan and that’s why I had to sign the paper to get Keating fired. Keating inspired the club, so we had to put him at fault. Charlie didn’t and got expelled. I obviously almost did, but I signed it. But we try to do things when we can. When your friend walked in, we were actually holding a secret meeting. But it’s not the same anymore. Another amazing thing taken away.”

Jeff shoved his brother a little, “You shouldn’t have snuck out! That is really daring.”

Todd shrugged, “It was us. And I don’t regret anything I’ve done during my time here at Welton, except for maybe appreciating my friendship with Neil more. I can’t ever get that back.”

Jeff smiled a little and hugged Todd again, pressing his face into his brother’s shoulder. He never would have imagined himself in this position. Sitting on a Welton bed hugging his little brother over all of the bad things that were associated with a place he originally respected and cherished. It now had a dent in its perfect facade. So there they sat, holding on to each other tightly and with love. It was perfect.

Jeff was right. That night was one to remember.


End file.
